To NameByte Purchasers

We probably need not remind you of the serious psychological and sometimes even physical consequences of going through life with the Wrong Name. Recent Studies show that 62% of people express mild, strong, or profound discontent with the name their parents gave them. Almost 11% of American adults have gone so far as to repudiate their parents' choices by altering their parentally-given name and going by something else. That's 27 million suffering American citizens. Possibly even more serious is the historical and scientific cost of otherwise qualified people whose accomplishments have been lost simply because of being saddled with the Wrong Name. Most of these, it stands to reason, disappear without a trace, but some instances have come to light; we'll give two.

1. The great nine-volume work by Marcel Proust which won the Prix Goncourt for him early in this century was actually also written 47 years earlier by an Arkansas weekly newspaper editor named Jimmy Joe-Bob Goodenough. He could not get the work published, and readers for eight publishers of the time returned the bushel-basket of typescript to his agent with the same cutting remark: "This work (or ouvre) by Jimmy Joe-Bob Goodenough isn't." One can almost hear the lowbrow cackle. Think of the prestige for American Literature if Goodenough's parents had only changed his name to Marcel Proust.
2. The film career of actress Jayne Mansfield, it has been found, completely obliterated the career of a woman whose interests, talents, and connections made her the other seriously considered candidate for all the roles which eventually went to Mansfield. The name of this historically worthless shadow? Ted Dickie Brown.

Fill out the enclosed survey/research instrument and Kompletely Scientific Software will, within eight days from its receipt, mail your child's name directly to the hospital records clerk and to your County Clerk to be entered on the birth certificate, again with a minimum of effort and with no further fee from you. (Coming soon: Our Computer Security Branch assures us that we will soon be able to enter your child's name into official records without even your county clerk knowing about it.)

Added note: scrupulous honesty on your part while entering the data must be relied on. That honesty is your insurance against a lifetime of guilt, your child's insurance against a lifetime of regret and resentment, and Kompletely Scientific Software's insurance against suits such as the well publicized one brought against us by the parents of Amerigo Vespucci Tallhorse. Especially if you feel inclined to change an answer, ask yourself, "Which of these is the HONEST truth?"

1. (Name's Sound and Baseline Limitations)
   • 1a. Does either parent have a speech defect? Time begun______
     O No O Yes
     If yes, nature of defect
     
     • O Dumb
     • O Cannot pronounce r's
     • O l's
     • O w's
     • O s's
     • O Stammer
     • O Southern Accent
     • O Other (Specify________________)
   • 1b. Are both parents fluent in American English (spoken)?
     O Yes O No
   • 1c. Can both parents read and write?
     O Yes O No
   • 1d. Will child be a boy or a girl?
     O Yes O No
   • 1e. Are parents ambitious?
     O Yes O No
   • 1f. Are parents religious?
     O Yes O No O Have accepted Jesus as personal savior
   • 1g. Do parents both have ordinary names?
     O Yes O No
2. (Social Class)
   • 2a. Parents' Combined Income After Taxes
     O 0-$180,000 O $180,000-260,000 O $260,000-$420,000
     O $420,000-$1.2 Million O $1.2 Mil-$2.4 Mil O More
   • 2b. Number of artists who are close friends and in family
     O 0-6 O 7-12 O 12-24 O 25 or more
   • 2c. Years of education of mother
     O 0-7 O 8-17 O 18-25 O 25 or more
   • 2d. Years of education of father
     O 0-17 O 18-25 O 25 or more
   • 2e. Religious Class
     • O Anglican or Unitarian
     • O Taoist, Jewish, Buddhist, Moslem
     • O Catholic
     • O Lutheran, Christian churches, Methodist, Infrequent churchgoers
     • O Southern Baptist, Jehovah's Witness, SDA, Charismatic, Mormon, etc.
   • 2f. Race
     O Black O Brown O Red O Yellow O White
   • 2g. Number of countries parents have set foot in, combined.
     O 1 O 2-5 O 6-12 O 12-36 O over 36
3. (Family Structure)
   3a. Birth order of child
   O 5th or later O 4th O 3rd O 2nd O 1st
   • 3b. Number of children parents currently plan to have
     O 5 or more O 4 O 3 O 2 O 1
   • 3c. Best realistic estimate of number of children parents will have
     O 5 or more O 4 O 3 O 2 O 1
   • 3d. Number of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents interested in child
     O 0 O 1-3 O 4-6 O 7-9 O 10-12 O more
   • 3e. Parents have something going for them besides having kids
     O no O one only O both
   • 3f. Size of parents
     O small both O small mother, large father
     O small father, large mother O large both
   
   
4. Parental Preferences
   (NOTE: While there is no scientific evidence that taking parental preferences into account leads to the right name any more often than leaving them out, Kompletely Scientific Software is researching the hypothesis that parental preferences do make some difference in choosing an apt name. The preferences you express will either be taken into account or you will be in the control group.)
   
   We or I prefer
   • 4a. O Exotic, dramatic, rare name---------------------- O Blah name
   • 4b. O Name rich in historical allusion ---------------O Nobody name
   • 4c. O Sexually clear name ------------------------O Ambisexual name
   • 4d. O Direct, tough, monosyllabic name -O Mellifluous, melodic name
   • (4e. deleted from instrument on purpose.)
   • 4f. O Soft, yielding name -----------------------------O Rigid name
   • 4g. O Stuffed-shirt, hoity-toity name O Blue-collar, low class name
   • 4h. O Uncommon name -----------------------O Currently faddish name
   • 4i. O Easily spelled name ------------------------O Impossible name
   • 4j. O Esoteric Religious or Biblical name ---------O Atheistic name
   • 4k. O Cute, Alliterative or rhyming name ----O Blunt, non-cute name
   • 4l. O Occupationally related name -----------O Unambitious name
     (occupation_________________)
   • 4m. O Name made of letters --------------------------------O Number

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